Mother's Day Letter

Dearest Joanna,

How my heart aches...  Truly this day is a painful day.  What expression or token of love can I give that can remove the sorrow of today?  There’s none.  There is nothing that will remove the bitterness of love lost.  And yet to not celebrate this day is to not honor the love that exists.  For Mother’s Day does not honor merely a function or job but a relationship.  And you and Asa are forever bound.  He is ever of your womb.  And this love you and he share, we will celebrate. 

There is something that Dads will never understand that takes place in the heart of a Mother.  Deep inside her heart, she knits together the deepest love and affection for a child, even though that child does not yet exist.  As much as the womb grows the child, the Mother’s heart is its true womb and place of life.  Most people are born before they are ever conceived.  They are born into the hope of a Mother-to-be as she plays with her dolls as a child.  She, even as a child herself, is hopeful and dreaming.  One day she will be a Mother of children. 

Asa was born of love before he was conceived.  He was born of hope and dreams inside the depth of your heart.  And this deep love refined the womb of his physical growth.  And truly, your love and affection for Asa transcends anyone else’s love for him.  You have a special bond that nobody else can know.  This is something to treasure.  And indeed, this is something to celebrate with joy… and for a time with sorrow.

Joanna, I will never forget when I realized we had become three.  I remember when I felt our identity change forever.  It was December 26^th 2012 at 4:18pm.  They took our dear child and placed him on your chest.  I realized we were forever three.  And my mind spun when I recognized that we were also, in this world, forever broken.  For the three of us won’t be together again until the day we meet Asa in heaven. 

I believe you knew we were three far sooner than I did.  I think it was that chaotic hospital visit in Dushanbe when tears came to your eyes as you saw our tiny Asa having fun in your tummy.  When it comes to children, Mother knows first, for she loved first. 

And maybe that’s why my heart always breaks when I think of how much Asa would have loved your comfortable arms.  He would have found such a home and resting place in your kind embrace and your nourishing touch.  He would have loved you first, for you loved him first.  And that love he would have had (and indeed does have) makes me weep in my soul because I know there is something deep between a Mother and her son that no other relationship shares.  And I know for this time, you can’t experience that with him, or he with you. 

You gave birth to Asa… so special and lovely and breaking.  I won’t forget how you gathered your deepest reserves of strength to push Asa out into this world, gone though he was.  God became a God of miracles when I saw that you were a Mother of resilience.  What else could have motivated you to bring him into our arms but for that very reason: to have him in our arms; yet only for mere hours. 

I will never forget his body.  It was perfect and long.  He was the perfect shape to snuggle into your lap.  His hands were big, big enough to cling to your hands from infancy; and when he was older, big enough to protect you, His Mommy, from harm.  His mouth was smooth and cute, ready to take in all your special treats. 

His feet were like his hands, unusually large.  They were so big that maybe you’d have gone on special shopping dates to help him find the right sized shoe.  I’d like to think he would have been a runner or wrestler and you’d have gone to his meets to cheer him on.  And you would have been so proud of him.  And he would have always known where his Mommy was sitting in the audience.  For as much as boys want to please their fathers, they want to know the safety of their Mothers; as much as they want to be successful for their fathers, they want to be dedicated to their Mothers. 

His eyes were big and they would have been bright as he looked to you every moment of his life.  His nose was button and I know he would have loved the smells of your kitchen and the aroma of your bread.  Your food would have been his grid for what is good in this world of food.  You would have been the standard.   

We weep in our hearts this Mother’s Day because of the “would haves” and “could haves.”  We are angry because of the “should haves.”  And yet God continues to Shepherd in your Motherly pain.  Our memories and broken hopes are kept as fuel to push us to long for what “will be.”  We long for it more than ever.  If there has been sweetness in this Motherly pain I cannot imagine the Motherly joy you will know when you see Asa alive!

And he longs to see you too.  He longs to reveal his voice, that you might hear him and know the thrill of life in your chest.  He awaits the day he will call you his “Mommy.”  And on that day, your ears will ring with a song never before heard.  He longs to hold your hand and know your touch.  And when you embrace, you will know the warmth and comfort of God.  Asa is waiting to thank you for giving him life and allowing him to be released by you and thus truly received.          

And so we celebrate this special relationship you have with Asa.  We celebrate with longing and with sorrow.  I am so honored to share in the bitterness of this day with you.  And we have hope knowing it is “one day closer…”

With deep love,

Tim