It can be scary to interact with people who have recently had a very great loss. Often we don't know what to say and how to connect into their pain. Even if we have been through great losses ourselves, we still may not know what to say or how to act around dear friends who are suffering. Below are some helpful tools that can enable us to better connect with hurting people.
General Assumptions about grief and loss that we need to understand:
1) It takes longer than you think. The first year is especially difficult. Even when stability is found, that loss will always be there.
2) Everyone experiences loss differently
3) Smiles don’t mean you’re not still grieving
4) You don’t get over grief, you move through it
5) Grief is a rollercoaster
Practical guidelines to help us participate in suffering, pain, loss, and brokenness:
1) Remember!—anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s and Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. Let them know they are not forgotten in their pain.
2) Try to feel the pain and loss. Suffer with them. Walk around in their shoes. But also know it’s okay if you can’t understand the depth of pain.
3) Make the call or write the card now! And next month do the same… and the month after that…etc. Stay present with them as they hurt, even if you’re far away.
4) Listen first… Ask questions second…listen third…ask more questions…and then, if you have a story of your own, share it with sensitivity.
5) Be honest!—we don’t always know what to do. We don’t always know what to say. We can be honest with hurting people and tell them these things.
6) Acknowledge the pain. Don’t act like everything is normal. It’s not normal!
7) Don’t offer easy answers to “fix it”. Be cautious of cultural or Christian clichés to fill silence.
8) Don’t create meaning or purpose for the person. It can minimize the pain. (i.e.: “You going through all this pain must mean that God has great plans for you ahead!”)
9) Don’t correct “scary” theology. Some people that are hurting need time to be angry and wrestle with God. It’s not our job to get in between that relationship. Most of the time, people come out of it with a deeper love for God.
10) Be mindful of people that don’t come out better from wrestling with God. Be sensitive and discerning in seeking ways to help them. Sometimes though, God is not the problem at all… Sometimes it’s the church’s lack of care that drives the wedge deep.
11) Don’t be afraid to ask “how are you?” even if they respond with tears. Allow people to cry and don’t try to stop them. Feel at peace with their tears.
12) Having “normal” and “happy” relationships with broken people is possible. Remember that participation (listening, acknowledging, feeling the hurt, etc.) often precedes any normal interactions.
